Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
