you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
