Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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