The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
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you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
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I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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