Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
