so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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