when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
