Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
