I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
