Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
