You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
