ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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