your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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