I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?