hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong