Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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