So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
