"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
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Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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