Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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