she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
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New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
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Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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