I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
