I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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