Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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