Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize
