i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
