DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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