I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
