I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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