And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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