i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
