I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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