a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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