Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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