gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
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