I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
