i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
