I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
