I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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