TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
