bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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