As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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