you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
