WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
