I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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