btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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