I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
