I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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