when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
