i just wanna soil my oats bro
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
