You think ghandi was good in the sack? cuz i sure do.
I'm not gay.
Soooo you want ghandi? is that what your telling me?
If ghandi gives good head...I'm in
Its fine.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
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The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
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You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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