3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
We don't watch enough power rangers
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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