Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
