Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
