Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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