Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
